Ten Things They Don’t Tell You When You Get Your Tongue Pierced

I got my tongue pierced by Gotham Piercing at the Castro Street Fair on Sunday, October 1, 2000.  They gave me information about healing time (4-6 weeks), side-effects (your tongue will be a bit swollen for a few days), care (drink ice water, rinse with an anti-septic mouthwash after eating), and things to avoid during the healing period (spicy food, open-mouthed kissing, and oral sex [maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all!]).

But then there’s what they didn’t tell me...

You suddenly seem soft-spoken and thoughtful.
No need to tell people that this is because you are careful working your tongue around to avoid making it obvious that you’re sucking on a piece of metal.
If people thought you were a lithping queen before...
Don’t thpit when you thay “p”.  Repeat after me: ee-nun-see-eight.
You can’t spit worth a damn.
Makes those humiliation scenes as a top an effort, not to mention the added difficulty in reviving water-based lube to full slickness.  (Try saying “p”.)
You can’t lick the outside of your teeth.
You probably never thought about how much you do it, but between a swollen tongue and having a piece of metal that doesn’t want to go outside your teeth, this may surprise you.
You’ll have to relearn how to stick your tongue out.
When the piercing goes outside your teeth, it tends to catch on the lower ones when you bring it back in.  And when your tongue is caught, the natural urge is to pull harder.
Pills are hard to swallow.
You swallow and you swallow and there still seems to be one on your tongue.
You can’t lick an envelope to save your life.
The spit just doesn’t seem to get to the tip of the tongue, like it drains through a hole or something.  And licking with the side of the tongue just isn’t natural!
Metal conducts heat.
You now have a stick of metal running through your flesh.  Ready for that first sip of hot coffee?
Your parents will freak.
Promise them that it won’t hurt either your career or your love life.  (Or just pull up your shirt and show them the nipple piercing.)
Most people have never kissed someone with a tongue piercing.
Education can be fun!
And here’s a bonus item, which should be self-explanatory: Dental Work!

On November 13, 2000, after two chipped teeth, one downsizing resulting in the piercing being sucked inside my tongue and having to be forced out (very painfully, I might add), and one tragic dick-sucking accident which caused bruising and punctured flesh, I took the piercing out in order to be able to eat without pain.  Subsequent swelling and healing prevented the reinsertion; voomp, the hole was gone.  Call it a nasty lesson learned.


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Last update: 03/09/03